I am sorry that what i said hurt you.
But i am in no way sorry that i said it.
Someone had to and someone needed to.
So why not me??
But since then, I have figured that you disregarded what i said,
wrote it off as something a sleep deprived girl who doesnt really know what she's talking about said.
But im not really that at all.
More like a sleep deprived girl who is scared to get hurt by your.
or a biased outsider who sees how you treat girls, sees how you go through them, and wants desperately to be the end of that ugly streak.
or it could have been very well from a girl who is your next victim, a girl who loves you for no reason at all.
You should embrace what i said and learn from it,
not just let yourself be hurt by it.
So i can't help thinking about the fact that i make horrible decisions..
they always look so freaking good when im making them, and then when all is said and done..wow its like i must be perpetually high or drunk or something because thats the only way i could choose some of the options that i do.
like the fact that i turn down a guy who was willing to try to love me,
for a guy who never will.
laaammmmeeeee.
I guess its true, we love the people who ignore us, and ignore the people who love us. The more i think about the stupid decision i made, the more lonely i feel. And really, this sucks even more because it's like almost everyone around me is enjoying anothers company, and i find myself utterely alone.
Also..
I find it annoying that i can tell him that i love him.
I find it even more annoying that i pretty much actually mean it.
and what i find the most annoying is that he says it back. He doesnt need to, i mostly say it because it feels liberating, but i think he says it most of the time because i said it to him, not entirely because that's how he feels but more because he doesnt want to hurt me so he responds dutifully or dubiously. In the midst of all my emotions and feelings comes the realization that we will probably never be what i want to be which forms a saddening whirlpool in my tummy.
I wonder if i will ever be enough, if i will ever be able to satisfy anyone beyond myself. because really i do satisfy myself, and although i dont love myself at all times, and am not totally happy with me, i do love me, and that should be enough to make anyone happy. but lately the sickening thought that seems to haunt my thoughts is that the hope of me finding someone to share with, to love, to really do anything with..yeah it doesnt seem as plausible as it once did.
Not taking my medication anymore..i couldnt if i wanted to be in the Navy. But i dont see any damaging changes really..although im not as happy, im still as sad as i was, and thats what i was taking it for right?? so does that mean that it didnt help at all?? I think the only thing i really liked it for was because it was kinda an apetite supresser..so i now i freaking eat sooo much and have probably gained a bit of weight since stop taking it. other than that its kinda a relief to not be on it. I'm not saying the anger has gone away cause it has not, its just more controllable now and a lot less scary. The not caring has multiplied though and that, well that is the thing that scares me..a long with the fact that i have no ambition, and i dont know where i am going in life, i can't see my future clear at all. These are the things that are riding on my shoulder as i walk about the college weighing down my hapiness and leaving me in a haze. How to find my way out? i have no clue. i never do. but i realize i cant stay like this, i will drive myself crazy or to the edge..ive already been there this school year and its not pretty, but i told myself i wouldnt go back, so i wont. this stupid blog is suppose to help straighten out my thoughts and feelings, but when i put them down, i feel like everything is even more jumbled and that really all i am doing is creating more chaos.
haha though im starting to think im pro joe at that, creating more chaos its becoming my profession without my realization.
you know the game wall ball?? i feel like that ball that you keep throwing against the wall..
again.
and again.
and again.
at some point i should deflate.
i cant bounce back forever.
but i hope its not for awhile, i need to get through this school year.
idk if im going to prom yet, though it another one of those impending decisions that i need to make..chances are, im going to make the wrong one, but i guess ill be happy with it no matter what. Usually i feel better after one of these long sessions, today i just feel like i dug myself deeper in the whole. wow i have some problems.
