i have the attention span of a fish.

da da da da...ugh im bored and alittle ADD-ish at the moment.

focus..haha who needs focus..i sure dont.

today is going to be dandy...just dandy.

and tomorrow i shall be going crazy after econ, if you want some entertainment, come see me.

ill put on a show just for you.

and in other news, i say i to much, but honestly dont know how to change that short of talking in third person.

or i guess i could not talk about my self so much.

but thats not going to happen cause im a bit self centered and i pretty much dont want to change that badly.

DO YOU KNOW JUNO??? i do..i want to see that freaking movie again.

and again.

and again.

but i need movie buddies, and the one person i really want to go..

ya he never has time.

So maybe ill go make random friends with people i dont know and invite them to the movies.

or maybe ill go make friends with people i already know and have been kinda ignoring since coming to the college.

idk.

and i have just came upon the realization, that i dont know much. amazing.

well i shall now end this miserable waste of space/time eating blog.

but first one last broadcast:

Loneliness is an infectious disease, protect your partner and end it now, before its to late.

ridiculus

This will be my shortest blog yet.

I feel beyond ridiculus.

I am going to go to work, and feel beyond ridiculus.

How do you stop feeling beyond ridiculus??

ugh.

wow.

lame. very very lame.

want to go out and forget.

cant wait to fucking leave for 5 days and get my mind off everything.

cant cant wait, though i guess i need to.

this may suck, but im not going to be anything less than happy.

i wont let myself.

Feelings suck.

I'm getting nervous. If i fall for this guy as hard as I think i am and he doesnt catch me, i think i'm going to end up very damaged. Not that i'm not already, it'll just be worse, and i will be as close to a heartbreak as i've ever gotten. Why him? What does he have that's driving me nuts? I think it's the fact that he is such a nice guy and i actually feel safe around him. And I think we will get close, or atleast I will think that we are close and then he will either back away, or pull to close.

And i will get hurt.

Boys like him can always find another girl to love. but me? It will take a long time to find another like him, another one that i can feel safe around enough to let them in. But I dont want to be just another girl to him. I want to be THE girl, the one he may not want to spend the rest of his life with, but who he wants to be with now, and love now. I want to be the girl that he will remember for years to come as a happy time in his life. And not as a regret. I am trying to no clue him in to how far i am gone with my feelings for him. I dont want to scare him off. I want him to understand that I am new at this intense feeling thing, and that I am trying to tone myself down. But it's hard. He makes it very hard for me to control myself. I dont want to be consumed with love, I want to keep my head. But i guess i dont always get what i want.

i tend to forget.

That not everyone sees life the way i do. Being a girl that has had serious relationships, but not the all consuming love or what not like some people claim to have, I cant totally understand why people think that they cant be happy without having a significant other. I have friends who cant seem to go anywhere without their boyfriend like they're afraid of losing them if they don't spend all their time with them. That doesn't make very much sense to me seeing as being apart is supposed to remind people how much they love each other or how much they care or miss them. It goes with the whole you don't know what you got till its gone. Well cant not being with them all the time follow the same lines??? Wont the love grow that way? I mean if you think about it, if your always around each other aren't you going to really run out of meaningful things to say? You'll sit there and want to tell him or her about your wonderful day, but hey they where there and therefore already know about it. Or it could lead to bickering, which to the people who have to listen to you squabble, its fucking annoying. Whats wrong with being with friends, when did everything turn into a include him or die of separation situation. I don't remember this happening, i must have went to the bathroom when this notice was passed around or something. I'm not saying that we shouldn't rely on others for happiness cause the realistic view is that will never happen, I'm just saying that we shouldn't rely on them all the time. We as individuals should be happy alone, and happy with others. I find it immensely easy to take this side because i have never been really compelled to spend all my time with anybody. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but i hope not. This is probably one of the main things that scare me about falling for anybody. What if i become like them, what if i become the person that i so dislike, the one that says she'll do something then cancels at the last moment because he wants to do something else, or just basically doesn't want her to do it at all. I'm afraid to lose my individuality i guess, or maybe I'm just afraid that when i find that guy, I wont be able to stand to my morals or standards and keep myself from falling into the got-to-always-have-a-guy category. I wish my friends could realize how much they hurt the people around them when they subject us all to the presence of their boyfriends (and i say boyfriends because after they tire of the current one, they will have another, and have that same all consuming love thing going on and what not.) all the time. It's like they don't realize there is a reason that they are going out with the boy and not the rest of us so why should we have to constantly be around them to??? I don't know, i probably sound like the biggest of the bitches right now but hey, I've gotten myself hurt enough by friends who say they will do something with me, then at the last moment cancel because HE doesn't want them to do it, or they'd just rather hang out with him.

Boy does that feeling suck.

You feel like a piece of shit because one of your best friends would rather hangout with a guy that sure is there now, but who knows where he'll end up over a friend who will try to always be there for you. Example-- I stupidly invited Haney to battle of the bands with me this weekend, not thinking like usual, and am now on the way to disappointment. Pretty much either way to, cause if she goes then I don't doubt Ian will be far behind and if she doesn't go then she'll most likely wait till the day before or the day of battle of bands to tell me. Maybe that's the thing, maybe i don't rely on boys because I've learned to rely on my friends, and don't understand why they do the things they do because i don't see it the way they do. I think that they should always be there for me, while they believe the boy they like or love will always be there for them. Which I'm not saying that it couldn't happen, I'm just saying the likely hood of that being the case is very slim.

I am also very scared right now. I don't like the feelings that I'm beginning to have because they will lead to pain, and i don't deal with pain well. Other people may be able to have functional relationships, but I'm not other people. I'm me, and at this moment, being me isn't really working for me. I don't want to be scared, i want to like the happy feelings, the light headedness, the stupid smile that seems to get plastered on my face. But the whole me thing pops up and i remind myself that it wont last, that it wont ever last. My life isn't like that, and i know that, but these stupid idiotic feelings make it seem like my life could be. But I'm just setting myself up, cause in the end, i will get close to him, and he will really know me, and then it will be over. Knowing me in the entirety is like asking for trouble so how i can i expect someone to love me especially when i don't entirely love myself?? wow ok so now that i got that out i feel a little better, but not by much, cause as it turns out, I'm already relying on him a little bit to make me happy with his texts..maybe I'm a lot more hypocritical than i thought. Maybe i was right when i said that in the end everyone turns into the people they promised they wouldn't. and if i was right, where does that leave me????

My mind is a weird place to inhabit.

So i pretty much don't know where this even came from, or why, but i wanted to write something and it was there. So i put it down, that's all the reason i need i guess.

Alone, she sat in her room; unblinkingly staring at the wall. Her mind furiously working behind her blank eyes. As images fly by in her minds eye, an unnoticed tear slips down, quickly followed by another. Noticing the newly felt wetness on her leg, she angrily swiped at her face and tried to clear her mind with no avail. Her expression strained as she pushed harder to force the traitorous thoughts from her head. As the battle raging inside her broke, her head fell in defeat and with the depression of the oncoming visions gracefully entering and taking her over. More tears escaped as she looked upon her memory of him. He was her everything, and her nothing, and now he was her destruction. The beauty she saw in him bespoke their nature together, as his true beauty lay in his passion, and his character. To say she loved him intensely was a gross understatement. She found her soul in him, and remarked upon the colors and glorification he brought into her life. And now, in an instant, it was gone. Her world felt black and white even if deep down she know life did not end with this tragic happening. Hatred racked her stiff body as she remembered the promises that dripped from his lips like honey. "Lies, that is all they were," she spoke out loud to herself. And in that moment, she hated herself; despised the gullible nature and the quickness with which she developed feelings. Annoyed at her self pity a lamp met its early end kissing the wall on the opposite side of the room. Darkness flooded the room with little light coming from the window. And there she sat, more alone than ever, and as always in the dark.

Kind of such a dark and weird thing to write about on such a happy day...idk..i think in mysterious ways i guess.

ahhh...first blog in forever.

So its been a month since ive last blogged...yep an actual month crazy right?? and now im back to say nothing in all its entirety. I'm going crazy..yup certifiably crazy, and im not really enjoying it. Life is becoming more extreme as it ventures on and im not sure i can really take it. It's very annoying cause my emotions are all over the place, and i dont know what to do to change it. and then i look back on the situations i over exagerate on and wonder why??? I feel retarded haha..everything is getting so intense and i cant stop it i feel like im on a wild roller coaster that i want to but dont want to get off of. This blog is getting me no where..isnt that wonderful.

..im retarded..

but anyway im very excited for tomorrow...not only am i going on a picnic, i get to go to soccer practice (though i dont really consider that a plus), and i get to see sweeny todd finally!!!! And this weekend is a 3 day weekend..which is fantastic i must say.

And today i have a game...which i might not be starting for..haha their lost, cause honestly i could care less about this soccer team. My coach thinks by threatening me she will get me to cooperate with her and all it does is piss me off and make me not want to even be on the team. She's gay is the conclusion. Im so frustrated with her cause she acts just like a teenager and your just like your supposed to be an adult..act like it! ugh adults are sooooo overated. I might also get my captain badge revoked to on actually unfair conditions. She just wants something to change and thinks by showing that she has control over me she can get people to listen to her..and shes wrong. She takes me captain badge and ill come to even less practices, she can not start me all she wants cause i could really care less anymore.

This is the downer...im losing interest in most things i used to love. i dont understand why, but im just not interested anymore. Soccer is taking the hardest hit..i have no desire to go to practice and games anymore and its frustrating.

Idk about life anymore...im just hoping the scary and intense feelings im getting and the way im acting either goes away or turns out for the better.