have you ever...

got that feeling where you think your heart is going to grow too big and pound it's way out of your chest and swallow you whole???
probably not.
but i have, and for obvious reason dont like it.
I feel like I'm drowning. The emotions pose as weights that push upon me, holding me down reminding me of my place in this world. My heart struggles against it, beating frantically in the hope of throwing the oppression off. But relief comes in shorter and shorter laps of time. Flight kicks in and all i want to do is get away, run away. But i feel as if i'm being hunted, and when i least expect it, someone will jump out of the scenery and throw that weighted net back over me. This time, there will be no running, and it will end with my beating heart consuming everything. And i will be nothing, I will be a void created by the explosion of too many feelings in one being. The current is violent, and my weights are heavy. I don't know if i have the strength to stay afloat. But i dont want my last effort to be the flailing of my tired limbs as i steadily sink into the abyss. So i run, and i will keep running until i can't, and then i will have to deal with the reason behind these heavy thoughts and emotions. I don't want to drown. I dont want to drown. But the current is pulling hard and quick and i can only run so fast. Where is my savior when i need him, music can only hold onto the life preserver for so long, and i can already feel the rope slipping in it's sweaty grip. I dont want to drown. I don't want to drown.
The urge to sob is close at hand, but i wont let myself give in to this, give in to life, and i won't let those feelings cross the threshold of my heart.
I refuse to drown.

i really should've known better.
And she feels ridiculous.
again.
Though she knows that she doesn't need him, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want him. But she kicks herself for letting him mean too much to her too soon. And she remarks upon the fact that although he has captured her, she has come no where near capturing him. She would like to hate him, but that would come to close to admitting she loved him, which she will not even consider. Because she doesn't and nor will she. If love doesn't want her, maybe she doesn't want love either. She would like to think it is for the best, but knows better than to kid herself. They could've been something to write songs to, but now, they will be nothing. And with that thought, she is sad, tremendously so, but also relieved that she is no longer exposing herself to the pain that was inevitable. But she's scared that she's holding on to this, and letting the resentment grow. She's also afraid that she can't just be friends with him. But she will try, and thats all he can ask of her.

.change my mind.

It held her attention, and oh how she had been waiting for this moment. As she walked slowly, controlling the driving reckless emotions that thrashed inside of her, she kept her gaze leveled on it. With the first touch of her fingers against the metal, joy spread throughout her body, acting like a catalyst towards all the harmful feelings damned up inside. An expression of ridiculus happiness erupted on her face with the plop of her being into the cold awaiting seat. She kicked her feet once, twice, then three times and remarked with spine chilling excitement at the soaring sensation that was currently running through her body. As she pushed the swing higher and higher all problematic thoughts were lost and replaced with calm clarity. The frozen air bit into her lungs and made her breath catch, focusing her swirling mind and bringing her crashingly back into the present. The swing slowed as if the weight of her precarious thoughts were tangible enough to bring it to a stop. Her feet touched the ground, and brought along with it, her mind. She let one tear escape before pushing the swing off again, thrusting herself back into the beautiful baron land that came with the breathtaking territory of swinging. Yet the desolate thoughts seemed to invade her paradise, corrupting the bare surroundings, and filling it with emotions and instances that pushed to be dealt with. As the overwhelming thoughts grew in pressure, she brought the escalating swing to a stop. Stumbling, she fell upon the ground griping her head with the intensity that it would fall off. Breath came faster as thought after thought flew through her mind from all sides, blinding her from reality. How could she act so stupidly, how could she think she would be able to run away from herself, these questions came to rest undbidingly before her. She choked on the scream she was suppressing, and bit her lip in hope to slow life down. She felt tension seep into her body, and naseau combined with the urge to sob came soon after. As she came to realize that running did no good, the conclusion presented itself in it's entirety. She would deal with it here and now.

my new aspiration--to become a robot.

ehhhh i was going to put another story i wrote up here today..but now im not feeling so sure bout that.

so instead i have decided to blurb upon things that have no point.

take my rollercoaster emotions for instances,

or the fact that i keep having weird random conversations with a guy that i dont know.

Or the real kicker,

that i feel totally retarded when i post things like this because i want to seem deep and thoughtful when really,

im not.

So heres to the people who love to complain about things they can change and just choose not to. I know how you feel, i am right there with you.

Now about those robots--

Robots have it easy, they are programmed to do a certain thing, and they execute it efficiently. Robots don't have to worry about silly things like emotions, and they're not really superficial. They dont need to learn from their mistakes because really they don't make any. They are perfect, and in-human, cool and collected. It just seems like a simplier life and better idea.

Also can't forget about my grudge against wishes--

Wishes are a waste of breath and time. A waste of thoughts and a waste of desire. They dont come true, and people who believe in them are delusional. In this life, all we can do is try as hard as we can to make what we want happen. Wishes dont fit into that lifestyle. Wishes are just a crutch, a reason to not really go after what you want, because they replace the action with passiveness. They take fate to the extreme. Wishes are just disappointments we let ourselves feel, that we let ourselves believe in, only to have reality slap us in the face when we realize, that that wish we so hoped would come true, will not until we ourselves put it into motion. A wish is just a lazy person's goal or aspiration.

and finally the touchy feely stuff that is always going to be on here cause im forever going to be a huge hopeless romantic.

i usually dont feel safe around people. I look at them, and i forsee how they could hurt me if i let them. even when i was with people that i liked, it wasnt like a haven for my homeless heart in a storm, more like a temporary shelter from the rain. So to find a time when i felt completely relaxed with someone, to feel like i never wanted to move or get up, its alittle detrimental to my brain. I in all my years, cause there has been so many you know, have never felt as safe as i did, and i cant wrap my mind around that. not at all, not even a little bit. ive been thinking about the feeling since it happened, probably over thinking and giving attributes to situations that dont deserve them. but i cant stop. and this sorta thinking hurts. it was alittle like someone was leading me away from the temporary shelter, holding an umbrella over my head and everything, then halfway there took off running and left me in the rain to wallow.

btw if anybody has a good topic for a narrative essay please let me know im alittle stuck and i have to turn it in tomorrow.