The crazy return of the old Dana.

Welcome back person to the rash person i thought i left behind. I've put off writing this blog for fear of further reawaking the beast i assumed was tamed. Obviously i was wrong, but you know it's been known to happen (if you didnt catch that, that was my sad attempt at a lightening the mood joke.). I had fun this weekend..maybe to much fun..ok yeah to much fun..and we all knows what happens when you have to much fun, you pay the consequences afterwards and feel the emotions that in my case are better not felt. And i have no clue what to do with these feelings..i guess supressing thems out of the question as that doesnt work. But idk how to deal with this, i felt like i was having a panic attack yesturday when the full implications of what i did revealed themselves to me. As much as josh can tell me this isnt my fault, i know that it somewhat is. It does take two to tango as the old saying goes so im just as responsible for hurting him as nathan is..but dang this sucks. So im throwing a welcome back party for the Dana i thought i left behind at the beginning of the summer. The one who did things without thinking and disregarded all feelings that came her way. I did some crappy things earlier this year, so i changed, evolved if you will, because i decided i couldnt live with that version of myself. And it now seems that it wasnt worth the effort because obviously i am back to where i started. Not to say that i regret saturday night because in a sense i dont...hey i try not to regret anything in life..but i do regret how people were effected by my actions specifically josh. This one night has turned into a maelstorm of events and im not liking it.

..country music is evil..

So today i listened for the first time in years to o-town and the spice girls...

It was fantastic!!!!

No seriously, you want a fantastic day, go listen to those bands because they just seem to make everything seem brighter and more funny. It's like a blast from the past and its wonderful.

and while i was listening to this joyful music, i got an energy drink so it was double the fun.

Oh and country music is the devil's music...its for sure...it makes me want to hit my head against a wall to make it stop...and yet it wont..ugh sadness.

In other news, mr. spivey made me realize that my belittling my problems and desires because they're superficial and immature is wrong because im still going to feel the way that i do no matter what others think about it, and if i let the thought of how others will think of my reactions

~~country music is a horrible distraction and is slowly killing my brain cells and rendering my mind useless~~

determine how i act and function, i am ultimately letting myself down.

Also i have determined that Kody is an effing retard because he is still ignoring me and i have no clue what his problem is besides the fact that his knee is hurt but that is no reason to shun me and make me feel like a complete and utter idiot. he's good at that.

Tomorrow is going to be a crappy day i can feel it already thats just how tue and thurs are since i have my two most boring classes those days.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA!!!!

So im having a brain malfunction so im just going to stop before i start saying things better left unsaid..I'm good at that..

.Retarded-ness.

So im having one of those what if days again..questions keep flying through my mind, the kinds i dont even want to ponder or answer because i mean who really wants to think about the stuff i do...also i have come to the conclusion that i can not become a nun which was my answer to all my superficial problems...i just dont think im cut out for devoting my entire life to a divine figure no matter if i believe or not, just doesnt seem like a life lived to the fullest. And so im also throwing out the go to an all womans college thought to because although im for everyone being happy, im still alittle scared of lesbians, and it seems like there might be more of a chance of me being confronted with mass lesbianism there than i would at a regular institution. So im back to square one of trying to find something to do with my life that doesnt involve other people more specifically guys. Though dont get me wrong not all guys are bad and there are some really good ones out there, im just easily distracted by the opposite sex and honestly right now the assholes are seriously out weighing the good guys. So i thought hey, why not start out my adult life with few distractions which means few guys, but as it turns out, there's little a girl can do out in life where there arent guys doing the same thing. I came upon the idea of moving out to alaska, or the artic, but although i like the cold, i think that might be a bit more extreme than what im meaning to do. So that idea was discarded. I also thought a good way to live life would to be help others or those less fortunate than me, so i suggested going to africa to help save dieing children's lives..i mean if this isnt a satisfy life mission, what is??? Haha i suggested it to my friend tyler and he gave me an abrupt no...Well i did mention that i already knew that i was going to die young and this would be a great opportunity so that might have made it sound more bad that i meant it to. Haha i think he might actually care if i live or die that's nice to know..yeah so if that option doesnt pan out i am now on a search for a back up..what can a girl do with her life these days???

One of those stupid questions i tend to ask my self...what does it mean to say that someone is "worth" it??

Does it mean they're worth the pain, the heartache, the stupid feelings you get, and all of the above? Or does it mean that its worth giving up your self for?

Through out my teen age years I've seen girl after girl give in and change things about themselves for guys..heck i've probably subconciously did it, but that doesnt make it right. If that one person is supposibly worth it, shouldn't it mean that we in turn are worth it to?? Shouldn't we be loved for who we are, not who they want to change us into. I don't know if i'll ever find someone whose worth it if it means that to be worthy in their eyes i have to give up me.

me is all ill have once everything falls to pieces.

So how am i to believe in love anymore?? I see people in so-called-love that behave in ways that dont make sense at all..maybe it's just teenage love that works this way..I look at the girls that allow themselves to be controlled and who make the guys they "love" their entire world and i wonder if they just fake the feelings to themselves to make giving in seem like a plausible option. If this feeling is as all powerfull as they make it look then maybe i dont want apart of it. I dont want to loose myself to make another happy..what kinda crap is that??

So thats all im going to write for now cause i need to think on this more..haha like i havent thought on it enough..

I want one of these..then people might take me seriously when i threaten then with death by a spork..

ugh blankety blank blank..

I look at my life, and i realize that really there's tons of things i could blog about, meaningful situations, stupid realizations, and just random crap that i could probably make an interesting story out of. And yet i find myself a completely dry fountain, that used to gurgle with the extremity of words pouring out of it. Ahh my brain feels usless...

So this would be my sad attempt at a blog worth while..

i guess ill just post one of my old stories..

Dear whoever gives a damn,

Snag, thats what has happened to my life. It has been caught by a snag. A pointy, thorny snag that demands attention, or better yet commands it. Focus becomes a newly strangered friend that I harbor secret loves for, and as I continue on my lengthy journey to recover it's companionship, I feel myself grow weary. But weary of what?? The journey its self, the prospect of what will happen at the end, or of the restlessness that has become the center of all that is me. Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none. That's probably the hardest part of the seemingly little snag, it releases it's poison through indecision, and self-doubt, utilizing these overwhelming emotions to paralyze and snag. Thats another thing about the snag, it has a powerful grip, sort of tide-meet-rock solid kung fu grip that isnt easily broken away from. This over most things begs the question as to why at this moment, it looks like I'm the only one caught by the unforgivable snag? Maybe it's because i have what they'd call an akrasious will, maybe I just wasn't strong enough to by pass it. So many maybes and definate non-answers. It's hard dealing with the loneliness, feeling like everyone else's cars are shifted into drive while mine's frustratingly stuck in neutral. Honestly this snag is bringing to the surface some deep-ceeded problems that i'd rather not deal with.

And then there's him. There will probably always be a him, no matter what i do. But they're always different, this one more so than most. He is the epitome of confusion and he wears laziness like it's a crown, haha a confortably fitting crown at that. And yet, I'm drawn to him, though probably not for the best reasons or the right, but what is good and right tend not to be my choice of action. He's sweet in that unexpected way that can make your heart melt if not well protected. But he makes my case of indecision look like the sniffles compared to his full-blown pnemonia. He pushes me away, then pulls me in and confides in me. We do things no self respecting girl should do to convince another of her feelings. But i do it and i take joy and disgust from the feeling, usually joy while it's happening, and disgust while i ponder the consequences of my actions.

His pushes away are more like shoves and usually after a particurally violent one, i end up in enemy territory of thought where a broken girl resides with a broken world. In this demension, joy looses it's meaning as if it can't quite contain the happiness it once did and gives a whole new definition to the word desolate. In this menacing land thoughts have precedence over everything and come unbidden and obtrusively into my mind. Pictures, images, of times best left undivuledged freely float through my mind and unwillingly send me for a jog down ole' memory lane. I start remembering when life was simple, a+b=c, kinda simple, and relish in the fact that i was happy. But as it turns out people call it a dead ending street for a good reason and as i re-enter the void that i so invisibly take up, a new breed of depression swoops down on me.

There is more, but my hands are tired, and my brain is worn out so i guess ill save the rest for another day...

It's all in how you perceive it.

Lets face it, life is about perception, how you perceive things often times determines how you act and how others act towards you. So how do we balance between what we perceive as the truth, and what really is...that's the kicker, we don't. I for one go through my life with the thought that if people truly care, they won't lie to me. Obviously my perception on the honesty of the human race is alittle off, and because i hide behind that non-truth, i more than often end up getting hurt. But what other off-kilter perceptions plauge our kind?? Well, there's the perception of love, because really, the chance of finding that one special person keeps getting smaller by the minute. There's also the perception of knowledge which i am sure most people have think they have, and they dont. But how can we really know if are perceptions are right or wrong?? Just because i say it's wrong doesn't really prove anything, and that pretty much goes for everyone else to. When i really think about it, i guess that i tend to link perception with judgement, because the way i perceive someone is how im going to judge them, even if i try not to.

So far, this post is making me kinda sad.

What if everything we thought and felt was a lie. What if there actually isnt such a thing called love, that it's just a perception of how another felt gone wrong. Whose to say that people really do fall in love together, what if the other really doesnt feel the same and just lies because they want the warm happy projection that they are living life to the fullest.

I am going to drown myself in what ifs but now that i've started i feel the compulsion to keep at it.

What if everything you thought you stood for was wrong or a lie. Would that make everyone a poser?? But what if everyone already is a poser because we all believe we are something that we are not therefore we are not real. But if we believe it, isnt it true?? NO...i believed alot of things that weren't true, even about myself. How can we let others dictate what is right and wrong for us to perceive of ourselves or others. How are they any better or smarter? Do they lie to themselves to make them believe that they can judge others?? I think so, I tend to lie to myself all the time to stem guilt, or give justifiable reasons for doing the stupid option when i know whats right. Is everyone born with the knowledge of what is right or wrong, or is it impressioned on us like every other trend or moral in our society. How is it right for me to judge others when i myself hate being judged in return.

My last bottomless question...what am i going to do with my life, or better yet myself, once i've truly messed it up??

I hate open ended questions because they are like pandora's box in my head and i won't stop thinking till i happen upon some other mindless question that sucks me in.

To cool for school???--me never, but i seem to be missing alot of it lately, which makes me think if im not to cool for it, maybe im just to lazy or non motivated.

..outward looking..

So, for my "participation project" in moyahanne's (or however you spell it) im writing a letter to a congresswoman, specifically, Dianne Feinstein. In it im going to address the need for more financial aid and help to the middle class students heading for college. I believe that we need help, and that although more and more money is going to college funding to help cut down the costs, its more pointed at the low income families. Not to say that they dont need they extra help, but it's like society has overlooked a big part of itself. Most of us are middle class, but that doesnt mean we are well off. The gap between middle and upper is huge and gaping and to think that just because we're alittle above the lower society we dont need help is a huge problem that needs to be fixed. I have already accepted the fact that by the time i get out of my first two years of college and go to venture off into the land of graduate school, im going to be greatly in debt already. This bothers me alot, and why shouldnt it. Here we are in the richest and most successfull society around, and yet we over charge our students to learn, and give them debt thats most likely going to stick with them for years to come. Whats the whole point of making students pay to learn anyway, i mean do we want an ignorant generation, because thats where we're headed. If the colleges and government keep jacking up the prices to go to school, some, and it may start out small, but some people might start thinking (or maybe they wont be) that this isnt worth it. that paying for an education is pointless and a waste of money and a gain of overwhelming debt. And with that small start, this type of thinking may catch on and snowball into some huge mass rebellion against colleges and institutions and all that they stand for.
I kind of feel like im rambling but thats ok..
But where are the solutions??? How can we help ourselves and how can the government help us??
They could restrict college prices and loan interests for one. Another good option is to start funneling more money into the paths of the often ignored middle class students. We could make scholarships that aren't as demanding and restrictive towards how much money your parents make and whether or not you are considered middle or lower because in all actuality, there's a fine line between these labels that most families considered middle class are toeing. We could also divert funds from committees or government funded organizations that really should be less important than education for all, like the military or something like that. Honestly i really have no other clue where to take money from because it seems like the military has already tapped the progams that could take the hit. I am, obviously, not a very big military person.
I once read a bumper sticker while taking a tour through UC Berkeley that made me happy...it read something like..It'll be the day when schools have all the money they need, and the government has to have bakes sales to fund their bombers..good stuff..i also agree with the quote that fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity...they're both oxymorons and it points out the serious flaw in our thinking.
Ok, now that I'm done ranting and have my thoughts mostly connected and formed, i shall end this but with one more thing..

My soccer team won yesterday!!!!...3-0.. Las Plumas can suck it..

So, I'm at a cross road, and i have no clue what to really do. Giving up before i get hurt seems like the best idea but hey, when do i ever give up haha..jk..i give up all the time.. The thing is, i dont want to give up this time, i think that he might actually be worth it so what do i do?

As of right now kody is not talking to me.

And i dont know why

And its killing me slowly haha (wow thats not dramatic at all!!)

SO...anyways..my power went out last night, total bummer, sooo i ended up going to be early for like once in my life. And today, I'm still tired. It's freaking amazing.

I also am now assuming that im loosing my mind, i used to have a room full of candles but i packed them all away in a fit of rage and runaway scare, and now i cannot remember where i placed them. I was looking around last night in the dark using my celly as a flash light, and well needless to say i got no where. So it is in my good opinion that my brain is officially crapping out on me...

I have those times where i listen to a song and it basically sings my feelings, hopes, dreams, and nightmares to me, well yeah i found one of those songs yesturday by Fall Out Boy and i have this one part of the lyrics that just keep playing over and over in my head..(Inbetween the lean like a cholo lyrics that spontaneously erupt throughout my mind..) The part where patrick just sings, "I'm addicted to how i feel when i think of you!" and it works for me. maybe just maybe, my feelings aren't actual feelings maybe they're just me over reacting to the wonderfull emotions that are coming from my infatuation.

boy do i feel shallow right now..

So again with my problem that is Kody. I had THE stupidest dream last night, which is amazing cause i dont usually dream, and it was all about him basically.

I can only remember bits and pieces of it now but it went along the lines of him kissing my best friend in front of me and some other people and everyone just kept looking at eachother and talking like nothing was at all wrong with that. I had that crazy beating heart feeling and although i was smiling i felt like i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole..i remember running from the place and ending up at some store like raleys or something like that and then watching the power go out..it was weird because the power started going out far away and then felt like it was getting closer..all in all i am at the extremes obviously and i need something to calm me the eff down..

And since today i was quite ego centric..tomorrow i shall blog about an issue or something of that nature that has nothing to do with my silly boy problems..

..Soccer is a teams sport..

So my soccer team may be doing good..winning and stuff..but the team its self is going to crap. The whole reason i started soccer and left softball is because softball girls are way more prissy and PMS-ish than soccer. Softball games can get thrown because someone was rude to someone else or said something before the game, that's not how soccer used to be..when i started we were like a family, sure we got mad and got in fights but we usually worked it out and worked together. This is the prima donna year obviously cause all people seem to be doing is thinking about themselves and forgetting that there's 10 other people on the field with them, and that they're there for a reason. It's like the worst case of one-man-team syndrome I've ever seen and it sucks cause i think our team is being plagued with it. Idk what to do though, you accuse people and they get defensive, you try and say it nicely and they disregard your words and meanings, and so I'm left with the spot of goalie. I get to sit there and watch my team fall apart, to preoccupied with the glory of scoring to listen to those more wise and knowledgeable than them, (and believe me I'm definitely not talking about myself!!) and pick up the pieces that come when they let the attacking team by..i hate being scored on and tomorrow..whoa..were going to get decimated, our butts will be handed to us..and I'm going to be in an uproar..this is the first year that my friends are really fighting, like the ostracizing of my best friend by my other best friend and close friends. The worst part of that situation, i should be there for her, and I'm not because we go to different schools. Whose there to freaking protect her if I'm not there?? no one, and i feel to blame for the fact that last week she was crying so much..if i was there they wouldn't even have thought of saying the crap to her like they did..what can i say though, together, were pretty intimidating..and I've always been there to make sure that well, I'm the only one who really criticises her to her face..she's not ready to have our friends question and complain..ugh people cant be simple anymore can they..everyone has to be the star these days and it's like no one, including me, can see the entire picture..

I was proposition yesterday..
I think the exact words said were, "I'll give you a dollar, if you give me a kiss."
Needless to say, the guy got a nice smack in the head, and i quickly jumped seats to safety..
oh geeze though, i couldn't believe he did that..i started laughing cause i didn't know what else to do..haha boys..they're the most silliest people around..