one of those lets-contimplate-everything-that-depresses-me-mood

I am sorry that what i said hurt you.
But i am in no way sorry that i said it.
Someone had to and someone needed to.
So why not me??
But since then, I have figured that you disregarded what i said,
wrote it off as something a sleep deprived girl who doesnt really know what she's talking about said.
But im not really that at all.
More like a sleep deprived girl who is scared to get hurt by your.
or a biased outsider who sees how you treat girls, sees how you go through them, and wants desperately to be the end of that ugly streak.
or it could have been very well from a girl who is your next victim, a girl who loves you for no reason at all.
You should embrace what i said and learn from it,
not just let yourself be hurt by it.

So i can't help thinking about the fact that i make horrible decisions..
they always look so freaking good when im making them, and then when all is said and done..wow its like i must be perpetually high or drunk or something because thats the only way i could choose some of the options that i do.
like the fact that i turn down a guy who was willing to try to love me,
for a guy who never will.
laaammmmeeeee.
I guess its true, we love the people who ignore us, and ignore the people who love us. The more i think about the stupid decision i made, the more lonely i feel. And really, this sucks even more because it's like almost everyone around me is enjoying anothers company, and i find myself utterely alone.
Also..


I find it annoying that i can tell him that i love him.
I find it even more annoying that i pretty much actually mean it.
and what i find the most annoying is that he says it back. He doesnt need to, i mostly say it because it feels liberating, but i think he says it most of the time because i said it to him, not entirely because that's how he feels but more because he doesnt want to hurt me so he responds dutifully or dubiously. In the midst of all my emotions and feelings comes the realization that we will probably never be what i want to be which forms a saddening whirlpool in my tummy.
I wonder if i will ever be enough, if i will ever be able to satisfy anyone beyond myself. because really i do satisfy myself, and although i dont love myself at all times, and am not totally happy with me, i do love me, and that should be enough to make anyone happy. but lately the sickening thought that seems to haunt my thoughts is that the hope of me finding someone to share with, to love, to really do anything with..yeah it doesnt seem as plausible as it once did.


Not taking my medication anymore..i couldnt if i wanted to be in the Navy. But i dont see any damaging changes really..although im not as happy, im still as sad as i was, and thats what i was taking it for right?? so does that mean that it didnt help at all?? I think the only thing i really liked it for was because it was kinda an apetite supresser..so i now i freaking eat sooo much and have probably gained a bit of weight since stop taking it. other than that its kinda a relief to not be on it. I'm not saying the anger has gone away cause it has not, its just more controllable now and a lot less scary. The not caring has multiplied though and that, well that is the thing that scares me..a long with the fact that i have no ambition, and i dont know where i am going in life, i can't see my future clear at all. These are the things that are riding on my shoulder as i walk about the college weighing down my hapiness and leaving me in a haze. How to find my way out? i have no clue. i never do. but i realize i cant stay like this, i will drive myself crazy or to the edge..ive already been there this school year and its not pretty, but i told myself i wouldnt go back, so i wont. this stupid blog is suppose to help straighten out my thoughts and feelings, but when i put them down, i feel like everything is even more jumbled and that really all i am doing is creating more chaos.
haha though im starting to think im pro joe at that, creating more chaos its becoming my profession without my realization.
you know the game wall ball?? i feel like that ball that you keep throwing against the wall..
again.
and again.
and again.
at some point i should deflate.
i cant bounce back forever.
but i hope its not for awhile, i need to get through this school year.
idk if im going to prom yet, though it another one of those impending decisions that i need to make..chances are, im going to make the wrong one, but i guess ill be happy with it no matter what. Usually i feel better after one of these long sessions, today i just feel like i dug myself deeper in the whole. wow i have some problems.

What do i do with myself now?

I used to abhore the military services and all that they represent...now, i want in to them.
and badly.
the way i see it, im in need of some hardcore discipline and they were just the right people to teach me, so i ready myself for joining up in one of the many branches and then chose the navy as the one for me because i like ships and my dad, his dad, and his dad's dad were all in it. I was actually quite excited, it seemed to me that i actually had a purpose after graduating besides going away to college and failing, or staying here and going to college and failing.
but like always, my plans have a wonderful way of never working out.
this time, yeah no different.
they rejected me from the navy on the pretense of me having asthma. Not saying that i dont, because i did, when i was little, and it was a minute case that came about because of my parents constantly smoking around me. But i have not used my inhalor for years, i mean my pediatric doctors last records of me getting looked at for asthma was like when i was around 8 or something.
but my stupid fucking car accident papers are supposibly filled with mentions of asthma. so i got rejected by the navy because of the incompentency of our local hospital, and their remarks on me having asthma and using an inhalor..which i havent in years.
I am so disappointed about this.
so very very disappointed.
i dont know what to do with myself now, i am quite sure that college now is not the right choice for me as i have really no self will...so what does that leave me to do?? what am i supposed to make of my life now? i am so very confused, its like i dont want to deal with these questions now when the burn of rejection is still immensely felt, but if i dont now, when will i? and as i try to think of the options i have, none of them look apeasing, and none offer the comfort i used to expect when contemplating my future. I am so desolate about this whole situation, i mean what kind of moron filled out my hospital papers? am i to be haunted by this stupid car accident for the rest of my life? how am i supposed to move on and get over what happened if it keeps finding little ways to slap me in the face and tell me that it will never just be over. I'm tired of all the happenings, i really just want my music to swallow me whole so i may live there in its safety and never have to deal with such awful implications and questions. My heart once again feels like its growing to an unhealthy size like its going to burst with all the feelings that my being contains. When will it all be simple again, and when will i find the right path to take? What if i dont want to carve my own but obediantly follow someone elses...no thats wrong, i could never obediantly follow another, but i atleast need help on how to carve my own path. Why must the people around us press upon us the need to grow up, but no one offers a hand in the process, no one offers advice, thinking that everyone will eventually and gracefully find their way. I am not that skilled, nor that brave, nor that smart, in the way of doing something in all its entirety like growing up by myself. i need help. doesnt everyone every once in a while?

have you ever...

got that feeling where you think your heart is going to grow too big and pound it's way out of your chest and swallow you whole???
probably not.
but i have, and for obvious reason dont like it.
I feel like I'm drowning. The emotions pose as weights that push upon me, holding me down reminding me of my place in this world. My heart struggles against it, beating frantically in the hope of throwing the oppression off. But relief comes in shorter and shorter laps of time. Flight kicks in and all i want to do is get away, run away. But i feel as if i'm being hunted, and when i least expect it, someone will jump out of the scenery and throw that weighted net back over me. This time, there will be no running, and it will end with my beating heart consuming everything. And i will be nothing, I will be a void created by the explosion of too many feelings in one being. The current is violent, and my weights are heavy. I don't know if i have the strength to stay afloat. But i dont want my last effort to be the flailing of my tired limbs as i steadily sink into the abyss. So i run, and i will keep running until i can't, and then i will have to deal with the reason behind these heavy thoughts and emotions. I don't want to drown. I dont want to drown. But the current is pulling hard and quick and i can only run so fast. Where is my savior when i need him, music can only hold onto the life preserver for so long, and i can already feel the rope slipping in it's sweaty grip. I dont want to drown. I don't want to drown.
The urge to sob is close at hand, but i wont let myself give in to this, give in to life, and i won't let those feelings cross the threshold of my heart.
I refuse to drown.

i really should've known better.
And she feels ridiculous.
again.
Though she knows that she doesn't need him, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want him. But she kicks herself for letting him mean too much to her too soon. And she remarks upon the fact that although he has captured her, she has come no where near capturing him. She would like to hate him, but that would come to close to admitting she loved him, which she will not even consider. Because she doesn't and nor will she. If love doesn't want her, maybe she doesn't want love either. She would like to think it is for the best, but knows better than to kid herself. They could've been something to write songs to, but now, they will be nothing. And with that thought, she is sad, tremendously so, but also relieved that she is no longer exposing herself to the pain that was inevitable. But she's scared that she's holding on to this, and letting the resentment grow. She's also afraid that she can't just be friends with him. But she will try, and thats all he can ask of her.

.change my mind.

It held her attention, and oh how she had been waiting for this moment. As she walked slowly, controlling the driving reckless emotions that thrashed inside of her, she kept her gaze leveled on it. With the first touch of her fingers against the metal, joy spread throughout her body, acting like a catalyst towards all the harmful feelings damned up inside. An expression of ridiculus happiness erupted on her face with the plop of her being into the cold awaiting seat. She kicked her feet once, twice, then three times and remarked with spine chilling excitement at the soaring sensation that was currently running through her body. As she pushed the swing higher and higher all problematic thoughts were lost and replaced with calm clarity. The frozen air bit into her lungs and made her breath catch, focusing her swirling mind and bringing her crashingly back into the present. The swing slowed as if the weight of her precarious thoughts were tangible enough to bring it to a stop. Her feet touched the ground, and brought along with it, her mind. She let one tear escape before pushing the swing off again, thrusting herself back into the beautiful baron land that came with the breathtaking territory of swinging. Yet the desolate thoughts seemed to invade her paradise, corrupting the bare surroundings, and filling it with emotions and instances that pushed to be dealt with. As the overwhelming thoughts grew in pressure, she brought the escalating swing to a stop. Stumbling, she fell upon the ground griping her head with the intensity that it would fall off. Breath came faster as thought after thought flew through her mind from all sides, blinding her from reality. How could she act so stupidly, how could she think she would be able to run away from herself, these questions came to rest undbidingly before her. She choked on the scream she was suppressing, and bit her lip in hope to slow life down. She felt tension seep into her body, and naseau combined with the urge to sob came soon after. As she came to realize that running did no good, the conclusion presented itself in it's entirety. She would deal with it here and now.

my new aspiration--to become a robot.

ehhhh i was going to put another story i wrote up here today..but now im not feeling so sure bout that.

so instead i have decided to blurb upon things that have no point.

take my rollercoaster emotions for instances,

or the fact that i keep having weird random conversations with a guy that i dont know.

Or the real kicker,

that i feel totally retarded when i post things like this because i want to seem deep and thoughtful when really,

im not.

So heres to the people who love to complain about things they can change and just choose not to. I know how you feel, i am right there with you.

Now about those robots--

Robots have it easy, they are programmed to do a certain thing, and they execute it efficiently. Robots don't have to worry about silly things like emotions, and they're not really superficial. They dont need to learn from their mistakes because really they don't make any. They are perfect, and in-human, cool and collected. It just seems like a simplier life and better idea.

Also can't forget about my grudge against wishes--

Wishes are a waste of breath and time. A waste of thoughts and a waste of desire. They dont come true, and people who believe in them are delusional. In this life, all we can do is try as hard as we can to make what we want happen. Wishes dont fit into that lifestyle. Wishes are just a crutch, a reason to not really go after what you want, because they replace the action with passiveness. They take fate to the extreme. Wishes are just disappointments we let ourselves feel, that we let ourselves believe in, only to have reality slap us in the face when we realize, that that wish we so hoped would come true, will not until we ourselves put it into motion. A wish is just a lazy person's goal or aspiration.

and finally the touchy feely stuff that is always going to be on here cause im forever going to be a huge hopeless romantic.

i usually dont feel safe around people. I look at them, and i forsee how they could hurt me if i let them. even when i was with people that i liked, it wasnt like a haven for my homeless heart in a storm, more like a temporary shelter from the rain. So to find a time when i felt completely relaxed with someone, to feel like i never wanted to move or get up, its alittle detrimental to my brain. I in all my years, cause there has been so many you know, have never felt as safe as i did, and i cant wrap my mind around that. not at all, not even a little bit. ive been thinking about the feeling since it happened, probably over thinking and giving attributes to situations that dont deserve them. but i cant stop. and this sorta thinking hurts. it was alittle like someone was leading me away from the temporary shelter, holding an umbrella over my head and everything, then halfway there took off running and left me in the rain to wallow.

btw if anybody has a good topic for a narrative essay please let me know im alittle stuck and i have to turn it in tomorrow.

i have the attention span of a fish.

da da da da...ugh im bored and alittle ADD-ish at the moment.

focus..haha who needs focus..i sure dont.

today is going to be dandy...just dandy.

and tomorrow i shall be going crazy after econ, if you want some entertainment, come see me.

ill put on a show just for you.

and in other news, i say i to much, but honestly dont know how to change that short of talking in third person.

or i guess i could not talk about my self so much.

but thats not going to happen cause im a bit self centered and i pretty much dont want to change that badly.

DO YOU KNOW JUNO??? i do..i want to see that freaking movie again.

and again.

and again.

but i need movie buddies, and the one person i really want to go..

ya he never has time.

So maybe ill go make random friends with people i dont know and invite them to the movies.

or maybe ill go make friends with people i already know and have been kinda ignoring since coming to the college.

idk.

and i have just came upon the realization, that i dont know much. amazing.

well i shall now end this miserable waste of space/time eating blog.

but first one last broadcast:

Loneliness is an infectious disease, protect your partner and end it now, before its to late.

ridiculus

This will be my shortest blog yet.

I feel beyond ridiculus.

I am going to go to work, and feel beyond ridiculus.

How do you stop feeling beyond ridiculus??

ugh.

wow.

lame. very very lame.

want to go out and forget.

cant wait to fucking leave for 5 days and get my mind off everything.

cant cant wait, though i guess i need to.

this may suck, but im not going to be anything less than happy.

i wont let myself.

Feelings suck.

I'm getting nervous. If i fall for this guy as hard as I think i am and he doesnt catch me, i think i'm going to end up very damaged. Not that i'm not already, it'll just be worse, and i will be as close to a heartbreak as i've ever gotten. Why him? What does he have that's driving me nuts? I think it's the fact that he is such a nice guy and i actually feel safe around him. And I think we will get close, or atleast I will think that we are close and then he will either back away, or pull to close.

And i will get hurt.

Boys like him can always find another girl to love. but me? It will take a long time to find another like him, another one that i can feel safe around enough to let them in. But I dont want to be just another girl to him. I want to be THE girl, the one he may not want to spend the rest of his life with, but who he wants to be with now, and love now. I want to be the girl that he will remember for years to come as a happy time in his life. And not as a regret. I am trying to no clue him in to how far i am gone with my feelings for him. I dont want to scare him off. I want him to understand that I am new at this intense feeling thing, and that I am trying to tone myself down. But it's hard. He makes it very hard for me to control myself. I dont want to be consumed with love, I want to keep my head. But i guess i dont always get what i want.

i tend to forget.

That not everyone sees life the way i do. Being a girl that has had serious relationships, but not the all consuming love or what not like some people claim to have, I cant totally understand why people think that they cant be happy without having a significant other. I have friends who cant seem to go anywhere without their boyfriend like they're afraid of losing them if they don't spend all their time with them. That doesn't make very much sense to me seeing as being apart is supposed to remind people how much they love each other or how much they care or miss them. It goes with the whole you don't know what you got till its gone. Well cant not being with them all the time follow the same lines??? Wont the love grow that way? I mean if you think about it, if your always around each other aren't you going to really run out of meaningful things to say? You'll sit there and want to tell him or her about your wonderful day, but hey they where there and therefore already know about it. Or it could lead to bickering, which to the people who have to listen to you squabble, its fucking annoying. Whats wrong with being with friends, when did everything turn into a include him or die of separation situation. I don't remember this happening, i must have went to the bathroom when this notice was passed around or something. I'm not saying that we shouldn't rely on others for happiness cause the realistic view is that will never happen, I'm just saying that we shouldn't rely on them all the time. We as individuals should be happy alone, and happy with others. I find it immensely easy to take this side because i have never been really compelled to spend all my time with anybody. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but i hope not. This is probably one of the main things that scare me about falling for anybody. What if i become like them, what if i become the person that i so dislike, the one that says she'll do something then cancels at the last moment because he wants to do something else, or just basically doesn't want her to do it at all. I'm afraid to lose my individuality i guess, or maybe I'm just afraid that when i find that guy, I wont be able to stand to my morals or standards and keep myself from falling into the got-to-always-have-a-guy category. I wish my friends could realize how much they hurt the people around them when they subject us all to the presence of their boyfriends (and i say boyfriends because after they tire of the current one, they will have another, and have that same all consuming love thing going on and what not.) all the time. It's like they don't realize there is a reason that they are going out with the boy and not the rest of us so why should we have to constantly be around them to??? I don't know, i probably sound like the biggest of the bitches right now but hey, I've gotten myself hurt enough by friends who say they will do something with me, then at the last moment cancel because HE doesn't want them to do it, or they'd just rather hang out with him.

Boy does that feeling suck.

You feel like a piece of shit because one of your best friends would rather hangout with a guy that sure is there now, but who knows where he'll end up over a friend who will try to always be there for you. Example-- I stupidly invited Haney to battle of the bands with me this weekend, not thinking like usual, and am now on the way to disappointment. Pretty much either way to, cause if she goes then I don't doubt Ian will be far behind and if she doesn't go then she'll most likely wait till the day before or the day of battle of bands to tell me. Maybe that's the thing, maybe i don't rely on boys because I've learned to rely on my friends, and don't understand why they do the things they do because i don't see it the way they do. I think that they should always be there for me, while they believe the boy they like or love will always be there for them. Which I'm not saying that it couldn't happen, I'm just saying the likely hood of that being the case is very slim.

I am also very scared right now. I don't like the feelings that I'm beginning to have because they will lead to pain, and i don't deal with pain well. Other people may be able to have functional relationships, but I'm not other people. I'm me, and at this moment, being me isn't really working for me. I don't want to be scared, i want to like the happy feelings, the light headedness, the stupid smile that seems to get plastered on my face. But the whole me thing pops up and i remind myself that it wont last, that it wont ever last. My life isn't like that, and i know that, but these stupid idiotic feelings make it seem like my life could be. But I'm just setting myself up, cause in the end, i will get close to him, and he will really know me, and then it will be over. Knowing me in the entirety is like asking for trouble so how i can i expect someone to love me especially when i don't entirely love myself?? wow ok so now that i got that out i feel a little better, but not by much, cause as it turns out, I'm already relying on him a little bit to make me happy with his texts..maybe I'm a lot more hypocritical than i thought. Maybe i was right when i said that in the end everyone turns into the people they promised they wouldn't. and if i was right, where does that leave me????

My mind is a weird place to inhabit.

So i pretty much don't know where this even came from, or why, but i wanted to write something and it was there. So i put it down, that's all the reason i need i guess.

Alone, she sat in her room; unblinkingly staring at the wall. Her mind furiously working behind her blank eyes. As images fly by in her minds eye, an unnoticed tear slips down, quickly followed by another. Noticing the newly felt wetness on her leg, she angrily swiped at her face and tried to clear her mind with no avail. Her expression strained as she pushed harder to force the traitorous thoughts from her head. As the battle raging inside her broke, her head fell in defeat and with the depression of the oncoming visions gracefully entering and taking her over. More tears escaped as she looked upon her memory of him. He was her everything, and her nothing, and now he was her destruction. The beauty she saw in him bespoke their nature together, as his true beauty lay in his passion, and his character. To say she loved him intensely was a gross understatement. She found her soul in him, and remarked upon the colors and glorification he brought into her life. And now, in an instant, it was gone. Her world felt black and white even if deep down she know life did not end with this tragic happening. Hatred racked her stiff body as she remembered the promises that dripped from his lips like honey. "Lies, that is all they were," she spoke out loud to herself. And in that moment, she hated herself; despised the gullible nature and the quickness with which she developed feelings. Annoyed at her self pity a lamp met its early end kissing the wall on the opposite side of the room. Darkness flooded the room with little light coming from the window. And there she sat, more alone than ever, and as always in the dark.

Kind of such a dark and weird thing to write about on such a happy day...idk..i think in mysterious ways i guess.

ahhh...first blog in forever.

So its been a month since ive last blogged...yep an actual month crazy right?? and now im back to say nothing in all its entirety. I'm going crazy..yup certifiably crazy, and im not really enjoying it. Life is becoming more extreme as it ventures on and im not sure i can really take it. It's very annoying cause my emotions are all over the place, and i dont know what to do to change it. and then i look back on the situations i over exagerate on and wonder why??? I feel retarded haha..everything is getting so intense and i cant stop it i feel like im on a wild roller coaster that i want to but dont want to get off of. This blog is getting me no where..isnt that wonderful.

..im retarded..

but anyway im very excited for tomorrow...not only am i going on a picnic, i get to go to soccer practice (though i dont really consider that a plus), and i get to see sweeny todd finally!!!! And this weekend is a 3 day weekend..which is fantastic i must say.

And today i have a game...which i might not be starting for..haha their lost, cause honestly i could care less about this soccer team. My coach thinks by threatening me she will get me to cooperate with her and all it does is piss me off and make me not want to even be on the team. She's gay is the conclusion. Im so frustrated with her cause she acts just like a teenager and your just like your supposed to be an adult..act like it! ugh adults are sooooo overated. I might also get my captain badge revoked to on actually unfair conditions. She just wants something to change and thinks by showing that she has control over me she can get people to listen to her..and shes wrong. She takes me captain badge and ill come to even less practices, she can not start me all she wants cause i could really care less anymore.

This is the downer...im losing interest in most things i used to love. i dont understand why, but im just not interested anymore. Soccer is taking the hardest hit..i have no desire to go to practice and games anymore and its frustrating.

Idk about life anymore...im just hoping the scary and intense feelings im getting and the way im acting either goes away or turns out for the better.