The crazy return of the old Dana.

Welcome back person to the rash person i thought i left behind. I've put off writing this blog for fear of further reawaking the beast i assumed was tamed. Obviously i was wrong, but you know it's been known to happen (if you didnt catch that, that was my sad attempt at a lightening the mood joke.). I had fun this weekend..maybe to much fun..ok yeah to much fun..and we all knows what happens when you have to much fun, you pay the consequences afterwards and feel the emotions that in my case are better not felt. And i have no clue what to do with these feelings..i guess supressing thems out of the question as that doesnt work. But idk how to deal with this, i felt like i was having a panic attack yesturday when the full implications of what i did revealed themselves to me. As much as josh can tell me this isnt my fault, i know that it somewhat is. It does take two to tango as the old saying goes so im just as responsible for hurting him as nathan is..but dang this sucks. So im throwing a welcome back party for the Dana i thought i left behind at the beginning of the summer. The one who did things without thinking and disregarded all feelings that came her way. I did some crappy things earlier this year, so i changed, evolved if you will, because i decided i couldnt live with that version of myself. And it now seems that it wasnt worth the effort because obviously i am back to where i started. Not to say that i regret saturday night because in a sense i dont...hey i try not to regret anything in life..but i do regret how people were effected by my actions specifically josh. This one night has turned into a maelstorm of events and im not liking it.

..country music is evil..

So today i listened for the first time in years to o-town and the spice girls...

It was fantastic!!!!

No seriously, you want a fantastic day, go listen to those bands because they just seem to make everything seem brighter and more funny. It's like a blast from the past and its wonderful.

and while i was listening to this joyful music, i got an energy drink so it was double the fun.

Oh and country music is the devil's music...its for sure...it makes me want to hit my head against a wall to make it stop...and yet it wont..ugh sadness.

In other news, mr. spivey made me realize that my belittling my problems and desires because they're superficial and immature is wrong because im still going to feel the way that i do no matter what others think about it, and if i let the thought of how others will think of my reactions

~~country music is a horrible distraction and is slowly killing my brain cells and rendering my mind useless~~

determine how i act and function, i am ultimately letting myself down.

Also i have determined that Kody is an effing retard because he is still ignoring me and i have no clue what his problem is besides the fact that his knee is hurt but that is no reason to shun me and make me feel like a complete and utter idiot. he's good at that.

Tomorrow is going to be a crappy day i can feel it already thats just how tue and thurs are since i have my two most boring classes those days.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLA!!!!

So im having a brain malfunction so im just going to stop before i start saying things better left unsaid..I'm good at that..

.Retarded-ness.

So im having one of those what if days again..questions keep flying through my mind, the kinds i dont even want to ponder or answer because i mean who really wants to think about the stuff i do...also i have come to the conclusion that i can not become a nun which was my answer to all my superficial problems...i just dont think im cut out for devoting my entire life to a divine figure no matter if i believe or not, just doesnt seem like a life lived to the fullest. And so im also throwing out the go to an all womans college thought to because although im for everyone being happy, im still alittle scared of lesbians, and it seems like there might be more of a chance of me being confronted with mass lesbianism there than i would at a regular institution. So im back to square one of trying to find something to do with my life that doesnt involve other people more specifically guys. Though dont get me wrong not all guys are bad and there are some really good ones out there, im just easily distracted by the opposite sex and honestly right now the assholes are seriously out weighing the good guys. So i thought hey, why not start out my adult life with few distractions which means few guys, but as it turns out, there's little a girl can do out in life where there arent guys doing the same thing. I came upon the idea of moving out to alaska, or the artic, but although i like the cold, i think that might be a bit more extreme than what im meaning to do. So that idea was discarded. I also thought a good way to live life would to be help others or those less fortunate than me, so i suggested going to africa to help save dieing children's lives..i mean if this isnt a satisfy life mission, what is??? Haha i suggested it to my friend tyler and he gave me an abrupt no...Well i did mention that i already knew that i was going to die young and this would be a great opportunity so that might have made it sound more bad that i meant it to. Haha i think he might actually care if i live or die that's nice to know..yeah so if that option doesnt pan out i am now on a search for a back up..what can a girl do with her life these days???

One of those stupid questions i tend to ask my self...what does it mean to say that someone is "worth" it??

Does it mean they're worth the pain, the heartache, the stupid feelings you get, and all of the above? Or does it mean that its worth giving up your self for?

Through out my teen age years I've seen girl after girl give in and change things about themselves for guys..heck i've probably subconciously did it, but that doesnt make it right. If that one person is supposibly worth it, shouldn't it mean that we in turn are worth it to?? Shouldn't we be loved for who we are, not who they want to change us into. I don't know if i'll ever find someone whose worth it if it means that to be worthy in their eyes i have to give up me.

me is all ill have once everything falls to pieces.

So how am i to believe in love anymore?? I see people in so-called-love that behave in ways that dont make sense at all..maybe it's just teenage love that works this way..I look at the girls that allow themselves to be controlled and who make the guys they "love" their entire world and i wonder if they just fake the feelings to themselves to make giving in seem like a plausible option. If this feeling is as all powerfull as they make it look then maybe i dont want apart of it. I dont want to loose myself to make another happy..what kinda crap is that??

So thats all im going to write for now cause i need to think on this more..haha like i havent thought on it enough..

I want one of these..then people might take me seriously when i threaten then with death by a spork..

ugh blankety blank blank..

I look at my life, and i realize that really there's tons of things i could blog about, meaningful situations, stupid realizations, and just random crap that i could probably make an interesting story out of. And yet i find myself a completely dry fountain, that used to gurgle with the extremity of words pouring out of it. Ahh my brain feels usless...

So this would be my sad attempt at a blog worth while..

i guess ill just post one of my old stories..

Dear whoever gives a damn,

Snag, thats what has happened to my life. It has been caught by a snag. A pointy, thorny snag that demands attention, or better yet commands it. Focus becomes a newly strangered friend that I harbor secret loves for, and as I continue on my lengthy journey to recover it's companionship, I feel myself grow weary. But weary of what?? The journey its self, the prospect of what will happen at the end, or of the restlessness that has become the center of all that is me. Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none. That's probably the hardest part of the seemingly little snag, it releases it's poison through indecision, and self-doubt, utilizing these overwhelming emotions to paralyze and snag. Thats another thing about the snag, it has a powerful grip, sort of tide-meet-rock solid kung fu grip that isnt easily broken away from. This over most things begs the question as to why at this moment, it looks like I'm the only one caught by the unforgivable snag? Maybe it's because i have what they'd call an akrasious will, maybe I just wasn't strong enough to by pass it. So many maybes and definate non-answers. It's hard dealing with the loneliness, feeling like everyone else's cars are shifted into drive while mine's frustratingly stuck in neutral. Honestly this snag is bringing to the surface some deep-ceeded problems that i'd rather not deal with.

And then there's him. There will probably always be a him, no matter what i do. But they're always different, this one more so than most. He is the epitome of confusion and he wears laziness like it's a crown, haha a confortably fitting crown at that. And yet, I'm drawn to him, though probably not for the best reasons or the right, but what is good and right tend not to be my choice of action. He's sweet in that unexpected way that can make your heart melt if not well protected. But he makes my case of indecision look like the sniffles compared to his full-blown pnemonia. He pushes me away, then pulls me in and confides in me. We do things no self respecting girl should do to convince another of her feelings. But i do it and i take joy and disgust from the feeling, usually joy while it's happening, and disgust while i ponder the consequences of my actions.

His pushes away are more like shoves and usually after a particurally violent one, i end up in enemy territory of thought where a broken girl resides with a broken world. In this demension, joy looses it's meaning as if it can't quite contain the happiness it once did and gives a whole new definition to the word desolate. In this menacing land thoughts have precedence over everything and come unbidden and obtrusively into my mind. Pictures, images, of times best left undivuledged freely float through my mind and unwillingly send me for a jog down ole' memory lane. I start remembering when life was simple, a+b=c, kinda simple, and relish in the fact that i was happy. But as it turns out people call it a dead ending street for a good reason and as i re-enter the void that i so invisibly take up, a new breed of depression swoops down on me.

There is more, but my hands are tired, and my brain is worn out so i guess ill save the rest for another day...

It's all in how you perceive it.

Lets face it, life is about perception, how you perceive things often times determines how you act and how others act towards you. So how do we balance between what we perceive as the truth, and what really is...that's the kicker, we don't. I for one go through my life with the thought that if people truly care, they won't lie to me. Obviously my perception on the honesty of the human race is alittle off, and because i hide behind that non-truth, i more than often end up getting hurt. But what other off-kilter perceptions plauge our kind?? Well, there's the perception of love, because really, the chance of finding that one special person keeps getting smaller by the minute. There's also the perception of knowledge which i am sure most people have think they have, and they dont. But how can we really know if are perceptions are right or wrong?? Just because i say it's wrong doesn't really prove anything, and that pretty much goes for everyone else to. When i really think about it, i guess that i tend to link perception with judgement, because the way i perceive someone is how im going to judge them, even if i try not to.

So far, this post is making me kinda sad.

What if everything we thought and felt was a lie. What if there actually isnt such a thing called love, that it's just a perception of how another felt gone wrong. Whose to say that people really do fall in love together, what if the other really doesnt feel the same and just lies because they want the warm happy projection that they are living life to the fullest.

I am going to drown myself in what ifs but now that i've started i feel the compulsion to keep at it.

What if everything you thought you stood for was wrong or a lie. Would that make everyone a poser?? But what if everyone already is a poser because we all believe we are something that we are not therefore we are not real. But if we believe it, isnt it true?? NO...i believed alot of things that weren't true, even about myself. How can we let others dictate what is right and wrong for us to perceive of ourselves or others. How are they any better or smarter? Do they lie to themselves to make them believe that they can judge others?? I think so, I tend to lie to myself all the time to stem guilt, or give justifiable reasons for doing the stupid option when i know whats right. Is everyone born with the knowledge of what is right or wrong, or is it impressioned on us like every other trend or moral in our society. How is it right for me to judge others when i myself hate being judged in return.

My last bottomless question...what am i going to do with my life, or better yet myself, once i've truly messed it up??

I hate open ended questions because they are like pandora's box in my head and i won't stop thinking till i happen upon some other mindless question that sucks me in.

To cool for school???--me never, but i seem to be missing alot of it lately, which makes me think if im not to cool for it, maybe im just to lazy or non motivated.

..outward looking..

So, for my "participation project" in moyahanne's (or however you spell it) im writing a letter to a congresswoman, specifically, Dianne Feinstein. In it im going to address the need for more financial aid and help to the middle class students heading for college. I believe that we need help, and that although more and more money is going to college funding to help cut down the costs, its more pointed at the low income families. Not to say that they dont need they extra help, but it's like society has overlooked a big part of itself. Most of us are middle class, but that doesnt mean we are well off. The gap between middle and upper is huge and gaping and to think that just because we're alittle above the lower society we dont need help is a huge problem that needs to be fixed. I have already accepted the fact that by the time i get out of my first two years of college and go to venture off into the land of graduate school, im going to be greatly in debt already. This bothers me alot, and why shouldnt it. Here we are in the richest and most successfull society around, and yet we over charge our students to learn, and give them debt thats most likely going to stick with them for years to come. Whats the whole point of making students pay to learn anyway, i mean do we want an ignorant generation, because thats where we're headed. If the colleges and government keep jacking up the prices to go to school, some, and it may start out small, but some people might start thinking (or maybe they wont be) that this isnt worth it. that paying for an education is pointless and a waste of money and a gain of overwhelming debt. And with that small start, this type of thinking may catch on and snowball into some huge mass rebellion against colleges and institutions and all that they stand for.
I kind of feel like im rambling but thats ok..
But where are the solutions??? How can we help ourselves and how can the government help us??
They could restrict college prices and loan interests for one. Another good option is to start funneling more money into the paths of the often ignored middle class students. We could make scholarships that aren't as demanding and restrictive towards how much money your parents make and whether or not you are considered middle or lower because in all actuality, there's a fine line between these labels that most families considered middle class are toeing. We could also divert funds from committees or government funded organizations that really should be less important than education for all, like the military or something like that. Honestly i really have no other clue where to take money from because it seems like the military has already tapped the progams that could take the hit. I am, obviously, not a very big military person.
I once read a bumper sticker while taking a tour through UC Berkeley that made me happy...it read something like..It'll be the day when schools have all the money they need, and the government has to have bakes sales to fund their bombers..good stuff..i also agree with the quote that fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity...they're both oxymorons and it points out the serious flaw in our thinking.
Ok, now that I'm done ranting and have my thoughts mostly connected and formed, i shall end this but with one more thing..

My soccer team won yesterday!!!!...3-0.. Las Plumas can suck it..

So, I'm at a cross road, and i have no clue what to really do. Giving up before i get hurt seems like the best idea but hey, when do i ever give up haha..jk..i give up all the time.. The thing is, i dont want to give up this time, i think that he might actually be worth it so what do i do?

As of right now kody is not talking to me.

And i dont know why

And its killing me slowly haha (wow thats not dramatic at all!!)

SO...anyways..my power went out last night, total bummer, sooo i ended up going to be early for like once in my life. And today, I'm still tired. It's freaking amazing.

I also am now assuming that im loosing my mind, i used to have a room full of candles but i packed them all away in a fit of rage and runaway scare, and now i cannot remember where i placed them. I was looking around last night in the dark using my celly as a flash light, and well needless to say i got no where. So it is in my good opinion that my brain is officially crapping out on me...

I have those times where i listen to a song and it basically sings my feelings, hopes, dreams, and nightmares to me, well yeah i found one of those songs yesturday by Fall Out Boy and i have this one part of the lyrics that just keep playing over and over in my head..(Inbetween the lean like a cholo lyrics that spontaneously erupt throughout my mind..) The part where patrick just sings, "I'm addicted to how i feel when i think of you!" and it works for me. maybe just maybe, my feelings aren't actual feelings maybe they're just me over reacting to the wonderfull emotions that are coming from my infatuation.

boy do i feel shallow right now..

So again with my problem that is Kody. I had THE stupidest dream last night, which is amazing cause i dont usually dream, and it was all about him basically.

I can only remember bits and pieces of it now but it went along the lines of him kissing my best friend in front of me and some other people and everyone just kept looking at eachother and talking like nothing was at all wrong with that. I had that crazy beating heart feeling and although i was smiling i felt like i wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole..i remember running from the place and ending up at some store like raleys or something like that and then watching the power go out..it was weird because the power started going out far away and then felt like it was getting closer..all in all i am at the extremes obviously and i need something to calm me the eff down..

And since today i was quite ego centric..tomorrow i shall blog about an issue or something of that nature that has nothing to do with my silly boy problems..

..Soccer is a teams sport..

So my soccer team may be doing good..winning and stuff..but the team its self is going to crap. The whole reason i started soccer and left softball is because softball girls are way more prissy and PMS-ish than soccer. Softball games can get thrown because someone was rude to someone else or said something before the game, that's not how soccer used to be..when i started we were like a family, sure we got mad and got in fights but we usually worked it out and worked together. This is the prima donna year obviously cause all people seem to be doing is thinking about themselves and forgetting that there's 10 other people on the field with them, and that they're there for a reason. It's like the worst case of one-man-team syndrome I've ever seen and it sucks cause i think our team is being plagued with it. Idk what to do though, you accuse people and they get defensive, you try and say it nicely and they disregard your words and meanings, and so I'm left with the spot of goalie. I get to sit there and watch my team fall apart, to preoccupied with the glory of scoring to listen to those more wise and knowledgeable than them, (and believe me I'm definitely not talking about myself!!) and pick up the pieces that come when they let the attacking team by..i hate being scored on and tomorrow..whoa..were going to get decimated, our butts will be handed to us..and I'm going to be in an uproar..this is the first year that my friends are really fighting, like the ostracizing of my best friend by my other best friend and close friends. The worst part of that situation, i should be there for her, and I'm not because we go to different schools. Whose there to freaking protect her if I'm not there?? no one, and i feel to blame for the fact that last week she was crying so much..if i was there they wouldn't even have thought of saying the crap to her like they did..what can i say though, together, were pretty intimidating..and I've always been there to make sure that well, I'm the only one who really criticises her to her face..she's not ready to have our friends question and complain..ugh people cant be simple anymore can they..everyone has to be the star these days and it's like no one, including me, can see the entire picture..

I was proposition yesterday..
I think the exact words said were, "I'll give you a dollar, if you give me a kiss."
Needless to say, the guy got a nice smack in the head, and i quickly jumped seats to safety..
oh geeze though, i couldn't believe he did that..i started laughing cause i didn't know what else to do..haha boys..they're the most silliest people around..

162 things to do before you have "FUN"!!

162 things to do before you have “FUN”

(So my friend posted this on a myspace bulletin and i found it so funny that i thought i should probably share it with others..)

1) Cover your stump before you hump

2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie

4) When in doubt shroud you spout

5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong

7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize

11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12) If you go into heat, package your meat

13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis

14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse

15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker

17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18) The right selection, is to protect your erection

19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil

20) A crank with armor, will never harm her

21) If you really love her, wear a cover

22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake

23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener

24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket

25) No glove, no love

26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye

27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver

28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax

29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt

30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown

31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam

32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed

33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink

34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground

35) Cloak the joker before you poke her

36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch

37) Cape your throbber before you bob her

38) After detection sheath your erection

39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate

40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser

41) Cover that lumber before you pump her

42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle

43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle

44) House your noodle then release your strudel

45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound

46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey

47) Cage that snake then shake and bake

48) Cover your peter it will be much neater

49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore

50) It's always funky to cage your monkey

51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy

52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb

53) It's not much money to catch your honey

54) Don't be a fool cover your tool

55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch

56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche

57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool

58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive

59) Contain that sputum before you use him

60) Restrain your log then plow her bog

61) Glove your pecker before you check her

62) Coat that slimer before you prime her

63) Condomize then womanize

64) Cover old pete then grind her meat

65) Guard your peter before you meet her

66) Check your list before you tryst

67) Wrap your bate before you mate

68) Can your worm before you squirm

69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe

70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard

71) Bag the mole then do her hole

72) Cuff your carrot before you share it

73) Jail your number then call the plumber

74) Cover your vein then drive her insane

75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle

76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink

77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern

78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry

79) Wrap that spout then bore her out

80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain

81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge

82) Shroud your trout then make her shout

83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky

84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers

85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout

86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel

87) Cover your steamer before you ream her

88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish

89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass

90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret

91) Clothe the boner before you hone her

92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!

93) Cork your pump or you don't hump

94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs

95) Dress that erection to make a deflection

96) Contain that shanker before you spank her

97) Cap that seeder before you breed her

98) Stop the stream before you cream

99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder

100) Protect your screw to catch that glue

101) Package your meat for a real neat treat

102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun

103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her

104) Garage the tractor then attack her

105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her

106) Sock that wanger before you bang her

107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser

108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good

109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke

110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate

111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate

112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates

113) Catch that goat before it bloats

114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen

115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her

116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk

117) Wrap that rod then please her bod

118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife

119) House that bottle then mash her throttle

120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash

121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle

122) Can your knob then throb her swab

123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug

124) Cover your limb before you swim

125) Retain your bailer then impail her

126) Rope your dope then make some soap

127) Net your salamander then make salad in her

128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper

129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds

130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft

131) Cover your stone before you bone

132) House your hose then curl her toes

133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass

134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch

135) Shield your rocks then pond her box

136) Cover old sly then do her dry

137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail

138) Glove your chimney before you come in me

139) If your nude tube your dude

140) Cloak your hitter then go split her

141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her

142) Can your spam then bam that mam

143) Corral your ram then slice her ham

144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver

145) Twist your wick then stick that prick

146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart

147) Shed old spot then do her slot

148) Drawer your pip then split her lips

149) Contain that leach then mash her peach

150) Bag your elm then take the helm

151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem

152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these

153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot

154) Survey your land then plant her stand

155) Before you drive her protect that diver

156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt

157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her

158) Cover you post then slice her roast

159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey

160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon

161) Contain that viper before you pipe her

162) Don't be silly, wrap your willy!

If life was a class, i'd fail it..

So, i've come to a point in my life where i may be able to write down how i feel, how others feel, and pretty much make up and describe how imaginary people feel, but when it comes to speaking these so called feelings im left with nothing but an empty feeling and frustration...how to overcome that???

I figure one day i could be a brilliant writer, but idk if that means much to me if i cant adequately express with words --verbally-- what im trying to get across..every time i get to the brink of saying something special or describing how im feeling i get the tip-of-the-tongue sensation and its like all of my words and emotions silently slip out of my brain or something..maybe i should close my ears, thats probably their escape exit..i used to be good at this, i could sit and talk for hours about how i felt on situations and different things and now its like i get to the point where im going to say something personal and i run face first into a brick wall..if this keeps happening im going to end up looking like a pug dog..

and so here i sit agonizing over the things that need to be said and the unspoken feelings that need to be shared and all i really realize is that i am this much closer to going crazy and being like fuck it, maybe this isn't worth the pain..

..oh geeze..

So, im pretty much angsting right now...and on of all the things in the world soccer...ugh i hate being goalie cause im not that good at it and they still wont let me play on the field...gay...so im kinda pissed cause i know today when we play live oak im going to be in the effing goal the whole time and thats just very annoying..stupid soccer, if i didnt like it so much i would quit!! haha no i wouldn't but still i find this whole situation retarded...

Ahh something cute happened yesturday though, my friend Tyler was asking me questions about how to show his girlfriend that he cares about her and stuff so today i get to help him pick out flowers for her (my idea haha) and tomorrow he's going to have them delivered to her in the middle of class (also my idea) aww its so cute though...im also going to try and get him to give her something special of his..i just cant help myself i guess im what they'd call a hopeless romantic..

Yeah so there's this guy..and he's kinda something wonderfull..but i dont know how this will work out this time..hopefully it's for the best because i think he's the one i could really fall for..

and now off to another lame stupid doctors appointment that will prove or help anything i go..ugh i greatly dislike doctors..

My first blog..

So, I've always read about people blogging and i didn't really understand, how can people basically put their diaries on display for the millions of people out there to read and critique..totally strangeness..i now understand that it doesn't have to be like a diary, so mines just going to be random thoughts and stories that my fanciful mind has the privilege of thinking up...this is a story i wrote today for no reason other than i was that bored in Business class..

I want my pen to craft a beautiful story for me, tell a twisting tale that takes no effort from my brain. Sadly, that just wont happen, and i have yet to conceive a way to thoughtlessly create a masterpiece.

There she sat, anxiously awaiting next to the noisy waterfall, to preoccupied with her nervous tension to really give tribute to the beauty surrounding her. Reality flashes in and out while she stares unknowingly into space. To the left of her creeps up the dreaded person she awaits. Yet she hardly notices as the thoughts from her mind cascade around in front of her vision distracting from the nature and movement she resides in. As he comes ever closer her brain awakes and sets out a red alert. Her whole body tenses subconsciously pulling in to look smaller, creating a more littler target to behold. With each step that brings the retched boy nearer, her breathing gets a bit faster. She closes her eyes with anticipation and counts to ten to regulate her body and settle her nerves. She senses the tap on her shoulder before she feels it and reacts as if it were a punch. Her head swivels to the left and her eyes seek out the moss green ovals that epitomize the devil.

Well at least to her they do..

There he was minding his own business, when she jumped out at him. Metaphorically of course, but oh how he wished she really would have. As he gazed at her, his footsteps unconsciously moved in her direction as if of their own will. How his eyes doted upon her beauty, far out weighing the surrounding nature that captures most. As his feet brought him closer he noted how reserved she became, finally coming to attention and drawing that light of beauty that pooled around her back inside to be dammed up behind her translucent eyes. At least, he remarked, he could catch glimpses of the wild beauty if he fell into her eyes and swam there. Yet as soon as he set his fingers lightly on her shoulder, he felt her nervous tension snap and quickly he snatched back his cold fingers as she pulled away. Reproachfully her eyes looked up, daring him to speak, and stilling his breath as it readied itself to leap from his tongue. She held his gaze and as he felt himself falling into the unfathomable orbs, he hesitated. She despised him, he could tell, resented him for everything he stood for even though she knew he could be the one to love her. So he hesitated (who wouldn't??) to jump right in as the animosity emanating from her slight body ate into him pushing him away and creating a barrier between them. He stepped back, not saying a word, white flag waving, she had won this battle...for now.

As a resentful loaded breath escaped his lips, a relieved one ran from her mouth.

She watched him give in to the temptation to leave, rejoicing in the sound of his steps as they grew more distant. Slowly the feeling of warmth crept back into her body starting with the frigid shoulder his cold fingers startlingly touched. Her surroundings bounded back into the living as the waterfall continued to gurgle and splash and the leaves shook with the trembling wind that so matched her breath. She questioned his motives and if her actions were in the right. She guessed yes as no decent person should love her and as despicable as he is, he shouldn't even be coming near her. She feels her body relax as she listens tot he song bird sing it's tune.