.Retarded-ness.

So im having one of those what if days again..questions keep flying through my mind, the kinds i dont even want to ponder or answer because i mean who really wants to think about the stuff i do...also i have come to the conclusion that i can not become a nun which was my answer to all my superficial problems...i just dont think im cut out for devoting my entire life to a divine figure no matter if i believe or not, just doesnt seem like a life lived to the fullest. And so im also throwing out the go to an all womans college thought to because although im for everyone being happy, im still alittle scared of lesbians, and it seems like there might be more of a chance of me being confronted with mass lesbianism there than i would at a regular institution. So im back to square one of trying to find something to do with my life that doesnt involve other people more specifically guys. Though dont get me wrong not all guys are bad and there are some really good ones out there, im just easily distracted by the opposite sex and honestly right now the assholes are seriously out weighing the good guys. So i thought hey, why not start out my adult life with few distractions which means few guys, but as it turns out, there's little a girl can do out in life where there arent guys doing the same thing. I came upon the idea of moving out to alaska, or the artic, but although i like the cold, i think that might be a bit more extreme than what im meaning to do. So that idea was discarded. I also thought a good way to live life would to be help others or those less fortunate than me, so i suggested going to africa to help save dieing children's lives..i mean if this isnt a satisfy life mission, what is??? Haha i suggested it to my friend tyler and he gave me an abrupt no...Well i did mention that i already knew that i was going to die young and this would be a great opportunity so that might have made it sound more bad that i meant it to. Haha i think he might actually care if i live or die that's nice to know..yeah so if that option doesnt pan out i am now on a search for a back up..what can a girl do with her life these days???

One of those stupid questions i tend to ask my self...what does it mean to say that someone is "worth" it??

Does it mean they're worth the pain, the heartache, the stupid feelings you get, and all of the above? Or does it mean that its worth giving up your self for?

Through out my teen age years I've seen girl after girl give in and change things about themselves for guys..heck i've probably subconciously did it, but that doesnt make it right. If that one person is supposibly worth it, shouldn't it mean that we in turn are worth it to?? Shouldn't we be loved for who we are, not who they want to change us into. I don't know if i'll ever find someone whose worth it if it means that to be worthy in their eyes i have to give up me.

me is all ill have once everything falls to pieces.

So how am i to believe in love anymore?? I see people in so-called-love that behave in ways that dont make sense at all..maybe it's just teenage love that works this way..I look at the girls that allow themselves to be controlled and who make the guys they "love" their entire world and i wonder if they just fake the feelings to themselves to make giving in seem like a plausible option. If this feeling is as all powerfull as they make it look then maybe i dont want apart of it. I dont want to loose myself to make another happy..what kinda crap is that??

So thats all im going to write for now cause i need to think on this more..haha like i havent thought on it enough..

I want one of these..then people might take me seriously when i threaten then with death by a spork..