i tend to forget.

That not everyone sees life the way i do. Being a girl that has had serious relationships, but not the all consuming love or what not like some people claim to have, I cant totally understand why people think that they cant be happy without having a significant other. I have friends who cant seem to go anywhere without their boyfriend like they're afraid of losing them if they don't spend all their time with them. That doesn't make very much sense to me seeing as being apart is supposed to remind people how much they love each other or how much they care or miss them. It goes with the whole you don't know what you got till its gone. Well cant not being with them all the time follow the same lines??? Wont the love grow that way? I mean if you think about it, if your always around each other aren't you going to really run out of meaningful things to say? You'll sit there and want to tell him or her about your wonderful day, but hey they where there and therefore already know about it. Or it could lead to bickering, which to the people who have to listen to you squabble, its fucking annoying. Whats wrong with being with friends, when did everything turn into a include him or die of separation situation. I don't remember this happening, i must have went to the bathroom when this notice was passed around or something. I'm not saying that we shouldn't rely on others for happiness cause the realistic view is that will never happen, I'm just saying that we shouldn't rely on them all the time. We as individuals should be happy alone, and happy with others. I find it immensely easy to take this side because i have never been really compelled to spend all my time with anybody. Maybe there is something wrong with me, but i hope not. This is probably one of the main things that scare me about falling for anybody. What if i become like them, what if i become the person that i so dislike, the one that says she'll do something then cancels at the last moment because he wants to do something else, or just basically doesn't want her to do it at all. I'm afraid to lose my individuality i guess, or maybe I'm just afraid that when i find that guy, I wont be able to stand to my morals or standards and keep myself from falling into the got-to-always-have-a-guy category. I wish my friends could realize how much they hurt the people around them when they subject us all to the presence of their boyfriends (and i say boyfriends because after they tire of the current one, they will have another, and have that same all consuming love thing going on and what not.) all the time. It's like they don't realize there is a reason that they are going out with the boy and not the rest of us so why should we have to constantly be around them to??? I don't know, i probably sound like the biggest of the bitches right now but hey, I've gotten myself hurt enough by friends who say they will do something with me, then at the last moment cancel because HE doesn't want them to do it, or they'd just rather hang out with him.

Boy does that feeling suck.

You feel like a piece of shit because one of your best friends would rather hangout with a guy that sure is there now, but who knows where he'll end up over a friend who will try to always be there for you. Example-- I stupidly invited Haney to battle of the bands with me this weekend, not thinking like usual, and am now on the way to disappointment. Pretty much either way to, cause if she goes then I don't doubt Ian will be far behind and if she doesn't go then she'll most likely wait till the day before or the day of battle of bands to tell me. Maybe that's the thing, maybe i don't rely on boys because I've learned to rely on my friends, and don't understand why they do the things they do because i don't see it the way they do. I think that they should always be there for me, while they believe the boy they like or love will always be there for them. Which I'm not saying that it couldn't happen, I'm just saying the likely hood of that being the case is very slim.

I am also very scared right now. I don't like the feelings that I'm beginning to have because they will lead to pain, and i don't deal with pain well. Other people may be able to have functional relationships, but I'm not other people. I'm me, and at this moment, being me isn't really working for me. I don't want to be scared, i want to like the happy feelings, the light headedness, the stupid smile that seems to get plastered on my face. But the whole me thing pops up and i remind myself that it wont last, that it wont ever last. My life isn't like that, and i know that, but these stupid idiotic feelings make it seem like my life could be. But I'm just setting myself up, cause in the end, i will get close to him, and he will really know me, and then it will be over. Knowing me in the entirety is like asking for trouble so how i can i expect someone to love me especially when i don't entirely love myself?? wow ok so now that i got that out i feel a little better, but not by much, cause as it turns out, I'm already relying on him a little bit to make me happy with his texts..maybe I'm a lot more hypocritical than i thought. Maybe i was right when i said that in the end everyone turns into the people they promised they wouldn't. and if i was right, where does that leave me????