have you ever...

got that feeling where you think your heart is going to grow too big and pound it's way out of your chest and swallow you whole???
probably not.
but i have, and for obvious reason dont like it.
I feel like I'm drowning. The emotions pose as weights that push upon me, holding me down reminding me of my place in this world. My heart struggles against it, beating frantically in the hope of throwing the oppression off. But relief comes in shorter and shorter laps of time. Flight kicks in and all i want to do is get away, run away. But i feel as if i'm being hunted, and when i least expect it, someone will jump out of the scenery and throw that weighted net back over me. This time, there will be no running, and it will end with my beating heart consuming everything. And i will be nothing, I will be a void created by the explosion of too many feelings in one being. The current is violent, and my weights are heavy. I don't know if i have the strength to stay afloat. But i dont want my last effort to be the flailing of my tired limbs as i steadily sink into the abyss. So i run, and i will keep running until i can't, and then i will have to deal with the reason behind these heavy thoughts and emotions. I don't want to drown. I dont want to drown. But the current is pulling hard and quick and i can only run so fast. Where is my savior when i need him, music can only hold onto the life preserver for so long, and i can already feel the rope slipping in it's sweaty grip. I dont want to drown. I don't want to drown.
The urge to sob is close at hand, but i wont let myself give in to this, give in to life, and i won't let those feelings cross the threshold of my heart.
I refuse to drown.

i really should've known better.
And she feels ridiculous.
again.
Though she knows that she doesn't need him, that doesn't mean that she doesn't want him. But she kicks herself for letting him mean too much to her too soon. And she remarks upon the fact that although he has captured her, she has come no where near capturing him. She would like to hate him, but that would come to close to admitting she loved him, which she will not even consider. Because she doesn't and nor will she. If love doesn't want her, maybe she doesn't want love either. She would like to think it is for the best, but knows better than to kid herself. They could've been something to write songs to, but now, they will be nothing. And with that thought, she is sad, tremendously so, but also relieved that she is no longer exposing herself to the pain that was inevitable. But she's scared that she's holding on to this, and letting the resentment grow. She's also afraid that she can't just be friends with him. But she will try, and thats all he can ask of her.