ugh blankety blank blank..

I look at my life, and i realize that really there's tons of things i could blog about, meaningful situations, stupid realizations, and just random crap that i could probably make an interesting story out of. And yet i find myself a completely dry fountain, that used to gurgle with the extremity of words pouring out of it. Ahh my brain feels usless...

So this would be my sad attempt at a blog worth while..

i guess ill just post one of my old stories..

Dear whoever gives a damn,

Snag, thats what has happened to my life. It has been caught by a snag. A pointy, thorny snag that demands attention, or better yet commands it. Focus becomes a newly strangered friend that I harbor secret loves for, and as I continue on my lengthy journey to recover it's companionship, I feel myself grow weary. But weary of what?? The journey its self, the prospect of what will happen at the end, or of the restlessness that has become the center of all that is me. Maybe it's all of these, maybe it's none. That's probably the hardest part of the seemingly little snag, it releases it's poison through indecision, and self-doubt, utilizing these overwhelming emotions to paralyze and snag. Thats another thing about the snag, it has a powerful grip, sort of tide-meet-rock solid kung fu grip that isnt easily broken away from. This over most things begs the question as to why at this moment, it looks like I'm the only one caught by the unforgivable snag? Maybe it's because i have what they'd call an akrasious will, maybe I just wasn't strong enough to by pass it. So many maybes and definate non-answers. It's hard dealing with the loneliness, feeling like everyone else's cars are shifted into drive while mine's frustratingly stuck in neutral. Honestly this snag is bringing to the surface some deep-ceeded problems that i'd rather not deal with.

And then there's him. There will probably always be a him, no matter what i do. But they're always different, this one more so than most. He is the epitome of confusion and he wears laziness like it's a crown, haha a confortably fitting crown at that. And yet, I'm drawn to him, though probably not for the best reasons or the right, but what is good and right tend not to be my choice of action. He's sweet in that unexpected way that can make your heart melt if not well protected. But he makes my case of indecision look like the sniffles compared to his full-blown pnemonia. He pushes me away, then pulls me in and confides in me. We do things no self respecting girl should do to convince another of her feelings. But i do it and i take joy and disgust from the feeling, usually joy while it's happening, and disgust while i ponder the consequences of my actions.

His pushes away are more like shoves and usually after a particurally violent one, i end up in enemy territory of thought where a broken girl resides with a broken world. In this demension, joy looses it's meaning as if it can't quite contain the happiness it once did and gives a whole new definition to the word desolate. In this menacing land thoughts have precedence over everything and come unbidden and obtrusively into my mind. Pictures, images, of times best left undivuledged freely float through my mind and unwillingly send me for a jog down ole' memory lane. I start remembering when life was simple, a+b=c, kinda simple, and relish in the fact that i was happy. But as it turns out people call it a dead ending street for a good reason and as i re-enter the void that i so invisibly take up, a new breed of depression swoops down on me.

There is more, but my hands are tired, and my brain is worn out so i guess ill save the rest for another day...